I had initially titled this “Cataloging the Sins of Our Loved Ones,” but as I gave the topic more and more attention, and thought over some examples, it occurred to me that we do this primarily, if not entirely, to our partners. It may happen, at times, with close friends and maybe even relatives. However, I believe that we are much more likely to keep in mind the “transgressions” of our partners.
Ask a random person to list off the last three bad things their partner did, or list the three worst things they did, and you are likely to get a quick response. Ask that same person to name the last three good things, or best three things, and you may be waiting a bit longer for an answer. Why is it that us humans are so much better at recalling the negative words and deeds of our partners than their good ones?
At least part of the answer has to do with our amygdala, which is the region of the brain that controls emotional memories and responses, among other things. Research has shown that the details we remember about a negative event are much more accurate than those we remember about good events. This is likely because our brains have evolved, for good reason, such that they focus on specific detail during negative events. This helps to prevent us from placing ourselves in the same harm repeatedly (hopefully). Conversely, our brains are not wired, or have not evolved, to focus that same way with positive events.
From an evolutionary standpoint this makes a lot of sense. Remembering fine details about an event is time consuming work for your brain. And, while we may all wish to repeat pleasurable (good) events, we would be, from a purely evolutionary perspective, quite fine without these repeated experiences. But, repeating events that are negative (dangerous) come at a great cost, maybe even life. So the brain has become good at tuning into the fine details that will keep us from harm and alive.
Evolution, though, is not destiny. Let us take as given, that our brain, particularly the amygdala, is better at remembering bad events than good events. Does that mean that we are not able to overcome this bias? I believe that we are able, and should expend effort, to change or at least ameliorate this situation.
Clearly, when our partner disappoints us or causes us harm it is much less life-threatening than a bear or a lion, generally speaking. Is it that a life-saving function, evolved over millions of years, has become reoriented to detect emotional harm in the same way it was once utilized to protect us from physical danger? Maybe.
The counterargument, from an evolutionary standpoint, would be that this emotional harm detector, if set too sensitively, would make human cooperation more difficult. And, nearly all that we know about evolutionary psychology points us toward a species that thrived under conditions of cooperation, resulting in more offspring, every species’ prime objective.
(I will not launch into a description of potentially competing evolutionary aims, and our own role in such a process. Suffice to say that I believe our choices and preferences affect our evolutionary trajectory.)
As should be clear by now, I am not convinced that our wiring is the sole cause of our tendency to catalog our partner’s sins. Rather, I believe there is an interplay between our amygdala and our cognitive/emotional tendencies that lead us into this swamp of negativity. How else to explain our different treatment of partner’s sins and those of others in our lives, even those who we are nearly as closely tied emotionally? Further, how are some able to overcome this problem altogether?
I would not deign to explain why we would want our emotional upset detector set in such a sensitive position. The reasons are limitless, and span the typical spectrum that runs from nature to nurture. It could be chemical, genetic, conditioned response from early traumatic events, etc.
For me, the more important question is why, if we are aware of this tendency, don’t more of us (nearly all) expend more effort to overcome it? And, what would we need to do, what habits might we cultivate, to improve our condition?
I think that the answer to my first question has at least a bit to do with lack of self-awareness. That is, many (most?) people give almost no thought to this problem. Interestingly, I also believe that most people would accept the idea that they do recall negative events better. Yet, even while agreeing with this proposition, how many will try to improve their condition. Not many. So, what I think accounts for much of our lack of effort is a combination of lack of self- awareness, which may just be laziness masquerading as something else, and hopelessness/helplessness. How many people feel, at their core, that they have the ability to overcome their tendency to catalog their grievances? Again, not many.
So, then, how do we change all that? We can’t really. The best we can do is to change ourselves, and hope that in so doing we are able to inspire and educate others. The human brain has an amazing amount of plasticity. That is, we can essentially rewire pathways and synapses with our behaviors, our neural processes, etc.
In short, we need to think differently. This requires us to be mindful, to be aware of how we are thinking and that we are running a tab of our partner’s sins. Some of this can be captured simply by adopting what has been termed the positive perspective. Being in the positive perspective is a habit, one that takes time to develop and cultivate, but it is one that has the capacity to dramatically change our lives.
As we call our mind to focus on the positive words and deeds of our partner, we may cause new neural pathways to develop. Over time, and with repeated effort, these pathways will grow stronger. We could, quite literally, rewire our brains so that our amygdala, and its evolution-developed threat detector, becomes less powerful.
We face a clear choice here, I believe. We can either remained mired in viewing our partners in the least favorable manner, or we can focus our mind on their good deeds and actions. With the latter, we will be happier, our partners will be happier, humanity will be happier.
If you do not believe me, try this experiment for 10 days- each night before bed, recount 5 positive words or deeds of your partner; do the same when you wake up. After 10 days are up, see how your overall feelings toward your partner have changed, but also how your overall feeling of happiness, or lack thereof, has changed. It’s amazing what 100 good memories of your partner can do for you, and your relationship.
Be good to each other.
Suburban Buddhism 